He sent a text this morning just asking when the baby woke up. No! Because I just dont want to be that person. You tell him you know he is lying and that you are expecting this conversation to be honest and truthful. I just want to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. When the next loser girlfriend finds out who and what he really is, it will came back to bite him. These are good time relationships. Sometimes he asks me questions where I can tell hes curious about things, and then its like the majority of the time he clearly doesnt care bc if he did, he wouldnt spend all of his free time away from me. He said I am wrong and that he doesnt want this to keep coming up but also said it shouldnt matter, as we are not working on us right now regardless. It is very difficult to talk to someone while they are in the fog. It pains me to think 1 year ago we were on a family vacation, I was pregnant, we were happy as ever. I think you may have been the best thing to happen to me right now. If they run backward, I even thought about packing a bag and just running away from everything and everyone and starting afresh. He is acting like a typical cheater. It was so bad I had to call the OW to see if she knew what was going on. Not to end his A. And then I got in the car and went for a drive. He took advantage one time too many. Thank you so much. Even if its wrong. I would suggest that you stop trying to get her back and instead focus your energies on yourself. He tells me I need to find someone who will love me like I need and deserve. At DDay2 I realized I was a doormat and since for the third time he wanted a D / I finally told him it was OK by me but I was D him. First my H proved he was being honest and transparent. You come first. So then he could see clearly he does miss ME when he doesnt have me. The issue w/ my H was he would tell me be home by 12 pm and show up at 3 am with no call or courtesy. Read up on the 180. We BS call it the cheaters manual b/c the behavior is so darn predictable. Sorry and just to add, because she doesnt trust him, he is going above and beyond to prove his love for her, posting it all over his social media, that his kids can see if they paid attention. But I just feel like ive been CONSTANTLY given the shit end of the stick. I also asked if he thought if there were more positives or negatives if we were no longer WE. Hold your head up and be strong. Why? I dont want him back, I cant take him back after everything Ive been through but he has abandoned his kids and his financial responsibility, my kids are just numb to everything hes doing, (theyre teenagers) its literally like hes a different person. But then I think about the OW and its like everything comes crumbling down around me. It is up to him to decide. You need to accept it that does not mean you agree or condone it but when you accept he is a liar & cheater and stop trying to change him and therein frustrating yourself, your life will be more peaceful and calmer. My H expected me to be on board with his new lifestyle of being a cheater. He may try to blame you. Its really like a stranger, and the minute he walks in the house and we start talking about our days its like oh here he is, heres the man I married. I tell him its not appropriate. You are not discussing anything. He said he feels bad putting blame on me and that he said a lot of things he regrets. So, when he arrived home at 2am last night I lost it. Its just hard because she comes to our house( where I live ) manly because of the children. I demanded a post nup. I dont know if when he gets back in town he will come stay here or what. Great! He said he didnt want a D. He said he was confused. Now your H may use any of this as an excuse. I said my 2-3 sentences calmly and left the room. I can tell you that DDay 2 for him was a real eye opener. Lol. My CH knew the affairs were wrong and hurtful, but couldnt see the harm in keeping a young, 20 something friend. He eventually got sober and moved back home and the salvaged their marriage. I have wanted NOTHING more than to fix us and move forward and be the great couple we have always been, but he seems to be all over the place and completely blames me for the problems in our marriage that lead to his affair. I feel like sometimes he wants to but then sometimes thinks its too hard, and then sometimes he just doesnt want to at all bc he is so sick of me. He answer negatives, so I guess Ill cling to that! My husband was always extremely faithful, and during my pregnancy he took a job in another city and would come home on weekends, etc. But then again most Betrayed Spouses are destroyed and devastated by the infidelity. Continue to be supportive of her but stop begging her to do anything as you can see that isnt working. I sincerely hope it doesnt come to that for you and your children. I think he had probably gone to the bar for a drink or 2 which again, I dont mind in moderation, but he was happy and nice. Money in your own name. I told him I will never be able to stop loving him if I see him all the time. Out of interest IOtheMoon, where are you now? Best of luck. I havent heard from him today, which is upsetting because normally he would text in the morning. You need to be prepared b/c you have a baby. You can only save your M and live happily ever after if one of two things happens; 1. He had to come to that conclusion on his own. K. Im sorry you continue to go through this. But he will never bring himself to admit that because all his allies have validated him based on his lies, that everything is my fault. Maybe he feels differently, but I doubt it. After I found out, I told him it was over and served him with separation papers because Ive been through this before and he never disconnects fully from women who he engages with. Yesterday, he said to me that he had been invited to a concert Saturday night, and I said oh why didnt you go? I think its harder for him to disconnect from her because he is totally having his cake and eating it too. I would say, six months later, yes, but was it my behaviors? his view on me became totally negative, and that started to change recently. At this point It seems so far, and thats crazy to me. They feel a new high, a feeling of being in love. Yes it might be indeed. Not real. I needed 90 days to get my finances in order. But its like I just continue on thinking okay maybe we can just be friends right now of some sort and then start our relationship over in a new way.But I just dont know the right moves to make living in the same house. and I think he knows that. But I am his wife. I dont even know why. Remember your daughter will see him as a role model and someday when she gets married she will consider the way he treated you acceptable behavior from her husband. I am 31, married almost 3 years (together 9) with a new 5 month old baby. Do you know if I will get your email address sent to me? And a happy emotionally stable parent alone is better than the hell you are living in now. I can tell from what you have posted you truly understand this is all his doing. I dont know if there is one OW or more (or any). Its crazy, some days I feel SO good, and some days I feel SO awful. I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. And he understood. My H initially went to counseling twice and quit. I keep hoping he wakes up and gets it. Not true, not valid and not acceptable. Something my sister used to do when she worked in HS in a bakery. I insisted we go to marriage counseling, and for a year, my counselor & I proceeded to tell him he wasnt meeting my needs. Hes trying to punish me because I made him leave, but in the long run hes also punishing them. It is important to have your $ in order, your paperwork in order, access to all financial records, bank accounts in your name alone so you have $ without having to rely on him. And you nailed it when you said the drug thing. I cant live every single day not knowing where his head is and then have him come here every night like were a family. Sometimes I see it and sometimes im like woah who is this. I am being the exact opposite of what she is finding attractive in this other man. I kept my sanity and wits and made good decisions. Ive been working in the office for a new site launch at work and it feels good to be with people, but everyday around 1-2pm I would get VERY emotional. a. I think at first he definitely wanted me to end it so he wouldnt feel bad about what he was doing, but now part of me feels like if I end it he will be angry but then a little sad and then just go out and find someone else. Its a sad sad state. Half of room and board and fees and semesters abroad and books etc. Because it is not a M. Thats for sure. At some point you will get tired, beaten down, worn out, emotionally exhausted and tired of playing some sick twisted game where the Cheater gets to call the shots. He chooses to go out 4-5 nights per week to the bars and hang out with people you do not even know. Sorry this is so long, I am a littler nervous to publish this to a website! It always seems to start as friendship and its like if they bite, (to any kind of online sex chat thing or whatever) he would bite back. I know that. Then soon after that we started to have sex again, then things started to move back to us being together again and I think it spooked him as soon as I pressured him to not be out too late and stick to his word about things. It comes first. I can only say from experience that I dont want to be right I want to cross my fingers that sooner or later he will wake up!!!!. I know I am a good wife, I know he has loved me TO DEATH until all of this, I know this OW in reality does not hold a candle to me. I said to him that when he met the OW he became a bar rat bc she was a bartender and he went to her bar everyday after work, and now hes doing that same thing at home, just without her involved. But yet he refused to leave. But please do not allow this to go on too long. If you dont, thats what theyre going to do to you. as if they were single or not a parent. Im serious on that sorry to say. In my case, I am the CS. Just a thought. You just are not reacting to his cheating. So sorry for you. He thought I would wait for him to decide what he was going to do. K. You are in a very tough position. He is using that to support his evil wife persona of you. Webmidlife crisis when the fog lifts. Youre advise is right on to what is going on with my Husband with his Emotional Affair with a younger office coworker. If you are telling me how perfect our marriage is and how happy you are and you are cheating I think that says a lot about the cheater. Wait and see what happens. The vast majority of those betrayed spouses are desperately trying to figure out what the hell is running through the minds of their cheating spouses. How did you control the Panic Attacks? Remember that as a kid? Less than one month later he wanted a D (yet again!?). If you want to be with her then youre going to make that choice and im not going to stand in your way. and he said I was wrong again and I just let it go because I have no proof. He literally had 1 foot out the door and I was being compared to someone half my age. Maybe Im totally wrong. And now I feel like hes just gone to work and is thinking gosh shes so miserable. My situation is a little bit different because my CS started the affair as an online thing, she is a long distance romance, he went to see her for 2 weeks where she lives, after what seems as maybe 6 months of knowing her via social media, they apparently got engaged, at least thats what she declared on her social media, and while he is still married to me. Um, no, your actions turned your kids against you. And your H now may be sure this is what he wants. Its like im suffocating him just by existing honestly. If he cannot make that decision then you need may have to make it for him. Its hurtful what you are living with. I think thats the part that did the most damage. Thanks in advance! I allowed him to be mean and nasty. And honestly, part of me is like who the hell cares. And i felt like I was completely doing it alone. Some days feel good, and some days feel like absolute torture, and I dont know if its in my head and I make it worse by getting in a weird mood, or what. Im a couple weeks late to this conversation, but have you considered telling him to stay home with the baby one night because you have plans? Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage. Divorce. And then went running back to her in the fall. after 9-11 when people went to wok and did not come home you would THINK he would get it. Sometimes when he says things to me, theyre so horrible, I literally sit there silent and wonder WHAT AM I DOING? Desesperate We havent had sex in almost 2 weeks, and I feel like when that stops its easier and easier to get into the friend role. Im working out, im a great new mom, im getting in great shape and everyone is noticing, and hes waking up most mornings hungover. But I know my cutting him loose and telling him he was free to go and I was done being a yo-yo in this M had some impact. When you dont engage any longer he wont know what to do. He sees me one way and has painted this picture in his mind, and that will not change at all until im detached enough to where he has to face that im no longer controlling him, im no longer holding him back, and somehow hes still feeling the way hes feeling. It is not easy and at times we struggle but I still love him and we get along well. We have all been through some aspect of the above I some way shape or form. You will get worn down and be emotionally empty. We have young children I know his affair started due to lack of attention becoming frustrating he is putting this woman before his kids. I did not mean to imply you should file for D. But know what your options are in the future. He went and laid on the couch and sent me a text saying lets finalize a divorce. but i have also been there for her Im not that bad when i wright down all the good times and things we have done is good. And that was when we were actually living apart and i was trying to do the 180. I sleep all the time (well Pot makes me sleep and eat but all I want to do everytime I leave the house is go back and smoke pot and sleep), I was very ambitious and I had all these plans for my career and for us but Ive lost all the zeal. But it was my Hs idea to change. I changed many behaviors, but she seems unwilling to meet me there. He slid accused me of having an A with a co worker 25 years ago. But it is an excuse to justify his own behavior (as in I went out all the time b/c you acted like you didnt care). I said no. I am willing to continue going through this hell if eventually I can continue spending my life with the man I love. My CH had a more difficult time leaving her alone. So im done. During that time we have experienced so many of the topics in this blog like gaslighting. But what he doesnt know is that right now I honestly just dont even want him here. Although he has been. Some people may end up leaving their spouse for the affair partner. And its these thoughts that deter me from the 180, bc when I have thoughts like this I just want to tell him he should go. I did this to protect me. And I let him back in 6 days later like an idiot and soon enough, it all falls apart again. My question is this, Someone that is continually making the same poor decisions, will they come out of the FOG?? Depressed State of Mind. You rug sweep his A, never again ask questions, allow him to wander in at all hours of the morning and expect no answers about where he has been etc. He would not dare test out that theory b/c she would dump him in a heartbeat if he cheated on her. Nothing worked or changed him. He is destroying a family but then again he doesnt care. Things outside the marriage is much more appealing to him right now than things inside the marriage, and that sucks. we have been together for 7 yrs and got engaged at xmas. Bc this is absolutely awful. How sad it comes to that. You can listen to and/or read the transcript here: Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog, Real Life Hardnosed Advice on How to Stop an Affair, How to Cheat on Your Spouse Without Feeling Guilty, The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. Sometimes I think he does things to test how I will react. He was not looking for ego boosts from others. It is like he tricks himself to believe he wasnt out that long. But there was nothing I could say or do to change his thinking or behavior. I want SO BADLY to do this 180, I have moments of such confidence where I feel like im going to be fine no matter what, and then I have such moments of sadness where I feel like this is just the worst situation and will never get better and that if I feel this bad then he must too and must think our life at home is miserable, etc. I feel a tight pain in my chest, im finding it hard to breathe and I cannot focus. He is constantly saying Oh ill be home early. That much I know. And I dont know what I will do bc I will be absolutely devastated. Right now I can only go off what we discussed Sunday, which was us not working on things, separating, him looking for his own place, and supposedly not staying at home. Leave me out of the equation. One of our problems is he thinks i dont like him going out with friends etc, so I have tried very hard to work on that. Wow! No is an answer. He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. The signs are there. But is there anything I can do that can get him out of this addiction, or do I just have to try to focus on me and do the 180 and hope he comes around and opens his eyes. Im so much better than this. And then he texts me Monday and says he will stay at the house since im not feeling well and he will pick up dinner to cook for us.Am I losing my mind or is that confusing in itself? Many of these stories are helpful. Im in the early stages of affair fog- my H started to act weird start of November, secret calls and text, late nights usual stuff I got our phone bill saw a number didnt know and searched on Facebook the girl he claimed to be just friends with, I approached him he denied I kicked him out he had no where to go he went and moved in with her only known her over a month living together he has admitted the affair.. I just think as long as he is with her I cant move forward and why her?? You need to know WHO is leaving the house, you need to have a plan on some custody and visitation schedules, etc. K. Im glad things have calmed down a bit for you. I bought the book Divorce Busting, and I started reading it last night. All of your responses and advice on this page seem to be so great, and I am going through a similar situation I could really use some advice on. But I would challenge him and tell him his actions dont show he really wants to be married any longer. The minute he walks out and when he will be back becomes uncertain, thats when my insides feel like theyre falling and I want to just curl up in a ball. My H went back to the OW a second time as he was still in the fog. How is he rewriting history SO much and saying these things and feeling ok about it? Until then, it is his issue and his problem. A partner. I feel like he is just going on with his days totally fine. After he proposed, he saw the nude pics from before. Instead, Dday happened during pregnancy, I was hormonal, emotional, scared to death, and unsure how the hell I was supposed to maneuver through this. As I look back on their iMesaage conversation that I saved before it was deleted, I realize that my behavior to try to save the marriage is the exact opposite of the flirty, mysterious, confident behavior that she is enjoying with her AP. Whether that means through college or after, he cannot just walk away without living up to his responsibility as a father. But how can someone be SO in love, SO on board in a marriage, so all about his wife and making a family and then all of a sudden be SO completely different? I hate the feeling of waiting for the next bomb to drop. Again, if he lies, you tell him that you are expecting him to be honest. Is that stupid? I heard from my H of 25 years that he told me I only married him to spite my parents. I proved in a crisis I will be strong and level headed and calm and make good decisions. You remove yourself from his manipulative behavior. The Affair Recovery Group sessions were conducted with Marriage and Family Therapist, Jeff Murraha few years ago (a little over a year out from our D-day), at a time that was actually quite crucial to our own recovery and healing. I need to STICK to the 180 and FULLY DO IT, It is just SO hard, Im so afraid of pushing him away by me pulling away, Im afraid that ill pull away and give him all this freedom and he will just take advantage and feel really great doing things without me. They are just blinded at the moment. In our house its almost as if hes dead because of how hes totally abandoned us. You are in a tough bind. Of course he could be lying to me. Get your plan B together b/c I fear you may need it. When theyre addicted to it like you said, can ANYTHING help them come out of it? But 5 years later after DDay we have a great M. None of the past issues have resurfaced. And I admit to my flaws, but its hard to look back at those flaws when im sitting here dealing with a man who had another RELATIONSHIP during our marriage. But he is running out of time very quickly. But really what else am I supposed to do? Is The Cheating Spouse Living With Regret? Two steps forward and one step back as they say. And then the next morning he leaves for work and I immediately wonder what im in for for the day. They certainly know how to twist the knife, dont they? But he hasnt mentioned that in a week and just has been staying here. It hurt my hand. I told him it seems much more like he wants the bar life. I cant explain it, I do know he loves me, but its almost as if he doesnt realize how much he loves me until he no longer has me. I am not stopping you. Your H is playing a dangerous game I keep hoping he wakes up soon. He commits to reconciliation and helping you heal AND being the guy you married. Hes happy b/c he can continue to disrespect you and your M. And if he wants some fun or conversation from you he knows he will get it. They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. Its like the 180 but a lesser extent. Nothing YOU do is going to destroy your M. Whether you argue or beg or plead or ignore or act nice or are too calm none of this will have any impact. That was NOT a good time his whore actually was going to come to our house I said bring your retarded ni**er whore ass to my house I was waiting with my sons pitbull and I told her my husband and I that we were waiting with a pit bull (she was scared to death of ) for her she NEVER has shown her face she left state as I did inform her legally if I saw her face I would have her arrested she left NY and went to Houma La never to be heard from again. So, I guess, both of us, in dead end street & whatever we do in future, the outcome might be the similar. Even if we did reconcile and moved forward, how would I EVER get past what hes done and all the texts ive read and the things theyve said to one another. Calm and rational confrontation. Only be upbeat in his presence and show that you are moving on in your life. While I was busy raising and looking after everything in my house, he was busy looking after himself. I think its his conscious. He told me he didnt want that, and that he wanted to stay with me and our daughter. Now he claims he never mean it and he was only trying to take her to the bed (yeah like if that was easier to eat). And If I keep kicking him out and letting him back im like the boy who cried wolf. TheFirstWife Its all I had. I wish I could control it. Hahahahaha asking someone to call if they are going to be 4 hours late is so off the Wall. I wasnt clear on thatsorry. No disrespect. I need to DO iT. Much better. But it is a calm rational approach. My only regret is believing him when he said it was over and that he wanted to be with me. Yet he continued seeing her and for 4 months was planning on leaving me and I had no idea. But we continue to face issues along the way even 3 years later. Again I think she is part of the problem but not the whole problem or ALL the problems. And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. But right now it may be too difficult to manage all these decisions. You cannot get anyone to see your point of view if they dont want to. I told him I had nothing left to give him. Maybe he thinks I will just always be here even though I truly wont. I think thats helpful. He threw in the towel. I also have to stick to the 180, for myself. Its hard bc we have such a young baby, I have a large family, things are always going on, and its like we just go right back into a routine and hes thinking gosh, this isnt what I wanted to get back into, and I do get that. I refuse to e his mom and take care of him like I used to. Typical cheater move by the way blame everyone else. I am not sure how this works. K. You are doing fine!!! Now I have been accused again but its different this time. Stay busy, work hard, be nice to him, be upbeat, DONT worry about what hes doing on his phone. Just letting you know I know when things dont add up. F*ck 40: Lifting the Midlife Fog After Milestone Birthday February 7, 2018by Tobin Walsh The 40thbirthday party my wife threw for me was legendary the next days massive hangover being evidence enough. You can let yourself get angry when he lies or you can accept he is ALWAYS going to lie and move on. Plain & simple! Yet he CONTINUES showing that what he does want is this other life, going to the bar, hanging out with people I dont even know. You need to get him to see that he disrespects you. I drew a firm boundary and said that I wanted to work on saving our relationship. I was stronger when this first started. From his actions the last few months it appears as though you were headed to this point anyway. im giving him his freedom, im asking no questions. I learned that sometimes, as painful as it is, you have to let people make bad choices. He states he has no communication with her, he has no desire to speak to any women right now, but he also is exhausted by us and doesnt want to work on us. But I always told him plainly that we werent. Creston I completely understand what you are going through. And the minute he lies and you know it you calmly tell him that you expect him to be honest with you no matter what. Prayers to you for all that you have suffered. I think your H has unreal expectations on how to reconcile & heal the M. So lets pretend hes not talking to the OW. You can also subscribe without commenting. And then I was calling the shots. You tell the spouse the truth. He said to me a few weeks ago that when we first separated, after a little while he was convinced I was seeing someone else, so he kind of knows how I feel..and I was like umm? He understood that, he did not get mad, he just was very clear that they are not speaking. ???? At first we decided he would stay there but soon after he said he felt like if he did that, we would jump right back into where we were in our relationship and nothing would be fixed. With therapy and support and this blog, I have confidence in myself. Its not hate or love. This short guide tells you what you need to know to survive the affair, heal yourself and emerge on the other side a stronger person. I continued the pattern of our life like everything was okay. I too feel strongly Im doing the right thing. He fantasized about escape. They are blinded by the reality of who the other man or woman really is. Well I agree and if I had to do it over it would be different. But its also a part of life, schedules, things going on that we should be a part of TOGETHER. Those few days were SO bad for me, I really was backsliding emotionally and it was getting to me. Unless and until the CS decides to end it. It was like pulling teeth but I hung in there. When we fall in love our brains become bathed in a soup of phenylethylamine (PEA) a naturally occurring amphetamine. That said, some people quite frankly dont give a damn. Then she set her sights on my husband and he was totally infatuated. To help you both get back on track. He is here every night, I dont really have any reason to think there is someone he is seeing, but clearly anything can happen. I think that woke you up a little bit. I was done with his crap and lies and cheating ways. He didnt get home until 11:30, which honestly doesnt bother me, but what bothers me is that he is so unaware of how unreliable that makes him for me. He was trying his hardest to put me and our marriage first. Which isnt true. Or get him to make a decision. He never saw me with an I dont give a crap attitude towards him before. I think you are doing the right thing for now. Last night he went out with friends after work and came home very late and I was irritate but tried to just let it go. I learned this from my H cheating. Get a lawyer ASAP and a financial plan B. Bestie, I agree with First Wife, but wanted to add that I think youre doing the right thing. and he was done being married.
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