I cannot process this. Trust me. We went to dinner. Call me. I told her about the gift I needed to find. Fuck. We left our lunch feeling as if we had just come off of another planet, but were both so thankful for the adventure. Mascara and snot everywhere. I told them I was. Wheres Ronan? Ihave been doingnothing but spending my days with her, being quiet and still. You know what comes next though. Go, go, go. I am going to try to get a little more rest before I have to take on this day. Having her in your room was a good decision on our part. I just let my eyes fall to the floor. I need to get in some hours working on this book. We sat for a while longer and caught up. I dont do well with things that slow me down. Please rest. Him: I do. I love you so much. I know we can change this. Thank you, Ronan. I think its a big part of the missing piece of the puzzle of this sometimes detached from emotion reality that these doctors live in. Get this done. To me, the littlest things can sometimes seem like the most difficult. "My darling. Forever sorry. I dont think she knew quite what to make of me. I talked to you in my head the way I always do when I need you to work your little Ronan magic. thru it all he still puts a smile on his face and the courage i see within him is just beyond amazing! Im a mom. I tell her stories about you, I tell her how much you love her and are watching over her, I tell her how lucky she is to have you as a big brother and Liam and Quinn as well. I hope you are safe. Up, showered, packed, Starbucks, hit the road, lets get outta this big city. The entire tree is going to be blue and white. Ill admit it. Im really going to kick your ass now! Because at the end of the day, its not complicated at all. What a fucking joke. Of course it is a Star Wars theme. I tried to call your daddy. I can not wait to have an actual place to go to where I will be a thousand times more productive. I started to cry. Let the evil secret cancer plans to take over the world, begin. I asked her to just give me some time and to come in, after we get home from the hospital. There is no better place, then here with me. He made fun of them and made me laugh. I love you so much. Then the next letter, from a mom, whos husband is working 3 jobs, they have nothing, but she cleaned out her change drawer. I had my hand on my keyboard to skip it, but I told myself that today, I would listen to it. I miss you. That is basically like naming her Wooddawg. I had to laugh at that. I hope you are safe. Not always is good enough for me, as of now. There is a missing layer to all of this and it is only something that Dr. Badass JoRo can deliver. I had the flu. By far one of the best ones Ive been to. Now Im crying every single day, sometimes every single hour. Im doing this, for them. She said alright and she would be there with me, to hold my hand. Where is Ronan? - ROCKSTAR RONAN We found a kid sized one to dress up. But all the gratitude and good things will keep me going I promise you that. My phone rang and so I did my thing. I cannot believe a mannequin is wearing my dead childs costume. You being sick, unable to do things, just does not go hand in hand. the chucking continues. Eager and passion are both things I feel from her. Im soaking that up, because it doesnt happen often. I have tried to be as productive as possible. Crazy workouts. He promised to help me fuck cancer and Im not letting him go anywhere other than here, to do that. Back when you were healthy and here. He should have been mine, for the rest of MY life. In my mind, Ive walked out with your costume at least 50 times. Or so the outside world seems to think. I ended the day with Stacy at Fernandas house. I hate you. July 28, 2011 - ROCKSTAR RONAN She has our attention. Its because when I first found out I was pregnant, it was the size of a poppy seed. He has saved my life and for that, I have you to thank. I had a nice thing happen to me today. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. Thank you, Amy for hooking this up. Darling (P.S., SB that's your new name) , an honest talk with my husband, and the music that blares on my headphones from a mixed C.D. A baby girl and now this?! I saw your Sparky yesterday. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. It was good to see them. Tomorrow is here, too. She has a Ronan. A life full of moments is what I am left with, Ronan. Almost 4 years, will never be enough. Its 4 a.m. Im not tired but my eyes burn and my brain is mush. They make the raddest tee shirts out there. What do you mean, no more pictures of Baby Ro? I didnt want everyone in that room to see the data that was being presented in front of their faces in a scientific form. Star became known to a wider audience as contestant on the CBS reality TV show Rock Star: Supernova in 2006. It will be a trip packed with a lot of business, but a lot of fun as well. I cannot part with your toys, clothes, stuffed animals, books, blankets, pictures on the walls. To me that just screamed how much your little lifeis missed by us all. How do I even put into words, who he is? As I said before, I dont think I need any words. Secret Plan! I will never understand this. We talked about New York for a bit. I love you. Let the strategizing, begin. I finally got your daddy on the phone. Today is an amazing example of good things that will keep me going. Its all so unfair. We talked about some other things. Dr. Schwartz asked how I was feeling. You know in my obsessive exercising eating nothing world before I was pregnant, I would have never touched a pie. Its a baby girl. I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. I read your blog every day and as a father your strength and love is simply amazing!! Gay. ! I started to cry. Actually a lot out of my comfort zone. Her secret has nothing to do with her fancy degree. Having my own office, is going to help so much. Im alone. show in Florida. This will be your legacy, Ronan. But due to the fucked up things that go on in my head, I have convinced myself that if we had live here, you would not have gotten cancer and died. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. It was a good way to start the day, if anything. Then perfect your baby has cancer, Ronan but we cant fix him. I dont want to sit and punch things or hurt myself. Do you know what else Ive gotten to do the past couple of days? I am such a true believer in this, especially in the world I live in now. I know he will keep her safe. That phone call where I was left saying, What? Your daddy watched me as I paced around for days, cried in bed, telling him if anything happens, that this will be the worst thing to happen to me, since losing you. Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. We fell asleep pretty early. You know who kicked ass in the race today, Ronan? Once again, I am so grateful and humbled by the kindness of strangers. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. Fuck, I thought to myself. One I would have never went down before if you had never died. I was excited about this meeting but as always I go in not expecting a thing. I had visions of all the other angry people, right there with me. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. You have no idea how glad I am you didnt listen to me on that one. Our super secret meeting required us leaving my house at the butt crack of dawn this morning and driving half way to L.A. a.k.a The Wigwam Resort in Litchfield Park, AZ. Romazing. Nothing gets easier. on Dear Grief/Pregancy, You will NOT kill mysoul. Then the pictures just stop because no more can be taken. I know this is not true. She has a son that she is absolutely insanely in love with and she completely gets the bond that I have with you. I need an intervention. I felt myself slipping into a deep depression that I hadnt felt in a while. It destroys me everyday that we now have to physically be apart and I cant take care of you, look after you, or keep you safe. Goodnight baby doll. maya thompson - Page 2 - ROCKSTAR RONAN Where is Ronan? They both cannot believe this. Where once there were homesand farms there was now a sea of mud, a grave for the dead where the men still live and fought. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. He simply responded with an, I miss him. I read his words Ronan and FUCK. Plus she says the word, Fuck, a lot which you know I appreciate. Its taken a lot of work to get us to go on in our day to day lives, together, as a family, with such a huge void that never goes away. Goodnight, mommy. Glenda says: July 28, 2011 . Gnite, babydoll. Sweet dreams, baby boy. I was laying in bed. Nobody in that restaurant, had a dead almost 4-year-old. that my New York Miss Macy made me. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. Having my own space without your little empty bedroom 10 feet away from where I am working is going to save me. Ronan. I have lots to do today. Im not doing this to be hurtful or mean. I dont fit well into that world anymore, but I love our hostess so for her, I was totally game. He was mine, how can that be? You will never hear me complain about fevers, strep throat, throwing up, etc Those things to me, are blessings. As always, it was good. Our Rachel that feels like a younger sister to me. I am allowing myself to have about an hour a day in bed, not the entire freaking day. I tappedon our kitchen the window. I looked for me 3 boys in my bed, but I only saw two. I love the way we gather around our kitchen table, somebody always brings food, and we get down to business. The stars magically aligned for the worst reasons possible so your Fairy RoMo has been in AZ for a little over a week now. I am going to take the day that you left me and rename it and make it the name that it deserves. Ive had to start thinking about things like what it is going to be like, when Poppy arrives. Ronan. I hope you have a great day today filled with all of the simple things that matter. Poppy is so lucky. They thought it was pretty cool. I hope you are safe. I set up a little shrine in your room to sit and do my phone call in. Everything is different. I hope you are safe. I, of course, look for you on every field and on every team. Because I do. I wouldnt have needed to say much as your eyes say it all. The song was supposed to be on her original RED album, but her record executive, Scott Borchetta, did not think it would be a good fit for the album, so she released it as a stand-alone single to help benefit cancer charities. I wanted to say I dont know how to stop. Mandy Bee offered to come and sit with them while I went back for my appointment. Me: I couldnt talk so I didnt. I dont understand this. Im not sure what we will do. I cleaned myself up and continued on to my pumpkin pie. It just tells me, once again, what we are doing, is so right. We could use your little one to put on the mannequin. I dont miss you less. I used to be able to go days without crying. I'm landing close to midnight. I sent him a text. The little mannequin dressed up like you, looked just like you did when you actually wore the costume. If it is, fix it. To feel happy. Im o.k. I think she was sobbing on the phone while she tried to talk to me about the decision I made to go out there and if I had actually thought it through. Do not let anything take him away. Ive been living off of pie. So we would be doing all different things. We worked SO hard for those signatures and I know all of our supporters did, too. I am trying to relish in all the beauty of this but it is secretly making me hostile. Im in route back to Phoenix on your 21 months since you left this earth. It felt good to be out and about, doing something a little out of my comfort zone. Anything That Has To Do With You and New YorkCity. You left him here to watch over me, for you. We think we have our boy name too. He is someone you loved so much. I talked about it in a way that I made her understand why the care is just as important as the research. My heart will forever be broken in a way that is just not repairable. Shot after shot after shot. I am a wealth of knowledge in all things raccoon now. (but dont tell Poppy. Your Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and Poppys Godfather, said to me a while ago, You know its going to be a circus. I just told him in no way shape or form did I want that. Kind of broke my heart, to be in it, without you. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. I hope today I can manage to be a little productive. With you watching over her, with a daddy like yours, and your big brothers, too. Ronan. This baby girl is going to be the most loved little baby girl in the world. How dull and empty I know this world is without you presence. Starting from before you diagnoses to the months after. She is surviving all while making this world a better place. I hope you are safe. Maybe Ill take in on in my free time. Kass. It was bound to happen sooner or later. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. I have a ton more to write about, but I have to get ready for this little Skype interview set up that I am doing. I took Becca and Stacy there today. So much has happened and so much She has given me such a gift already and she is only a week old. Are you o.k. So much. She called around to a few places. Your brothers are playing a slew of sports 24/7. I miss you. Please. I begged and pleaded with you once again in the parking garage. My days feel so sad and lonely without you here, and with me, being stuck at home because I am literally too tired to function. Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control. I know he misses you but for some reason, it hit me really hard today. It was actually all I could do, not to run up to the podium and hijack the speakers talk. Holy smokes I was blown away! Bye Bye Little Sad House! I can be brave. It almost seems to make them uncomfortable. My internal clock has been waking me up at about 2 a.m. for months now. I remember the 6 month mark being a really hard time for me. Mandy came over and grabbed my head and kissed the top of it. I will fight on, not because I am strong but because I wont fail you or let you down. Me: Ill bet nothing bad ever happens here., Your daddy: That is not true. I am angry and sad in a way that I havent been in a while and there is nothing that can make this pain go away or better. He had read my last blog post about how barbaric the cancer world is. I hid my tears from everyone, as not to upset your brothers. I just sat and cried into the phone. I sat back with our friends and watched the way the 4 of our boys became fast friends, laughing and giggling together. To me, this is a private time for our family. Everything was so simple and so easy. I had a long board meeting last night. Ill enjoy them while I can:) I was productive yesterday. Getting out of Phoenix was the right thing to do. Pillow case soaked. Ryan Starr - Wikipedia I tried to get to sleep at a decent hour last night but my achy body and the thoughts of you, were consuming me. They didnt judge me. what a beautiful little guy whos touched so many lives! O.k. I am going to build something amazing with it. Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. I left your Sparkly and as I got in the car, I sent him a quick text. My shot didnt hurt for me today. I am heartbroken at the way our cancer kids are just brushed aside as if they are a dirty little secret. I think Im dying. He promised me that I was indeed not dying and to stop overdoing everything. Consider it done. he said. He asked if it was hard for meto bein there with her. The screaming wont stop now. Today, while I sat in the room full of absolute brilliance everywhere, I noticed there were 2 things missing. I am excited too. Starr was a mainstay for numerous wrestling territories throughout the 1970s and 80s, capturing almost three dozen championships throughout his career [4] including two reigns as NWA World Junior . He laughed at that. Cancer was everywhere in your body, but you didnt act like it. I leave soon. The day you left me is almost here. Come on. Listen, I cannot even fathom what you have gone through and will go through for the rest of your life. I know they are not the most compelling words, but today they were the only thing I could muster up in my over active imagination to say. Especially when it involves you, which it always does. No way could it really be a girl. Fuck Scooter Braun - ROCKSTAR RONAN By making the one dearest to my heart, o.k. I got to see her on an 3-D ultra sound on Tuesday. Compassion. The moments of utter beauty and bliss that I only feel by being with certain people. OMG. I told her I knew. You know how important it is to me, not to spend the money that people are donating on administration stuff. I promise to be the best mama to her. I have to have some things I keep to myself. I cant go home to an empty house. Insert sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldnt even finish my sentence, here, Me: Im sorry. Thank you for keeping his mama going by showing me how much the power of love can move mountains. I was just happy to finish without injuring myself even more. Now, since this vampire baby seems to be sucking the life out of me, I can hardly get my head up off of my pillow in the mornings to take your brothers to school. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. I just want you back. Maybe Poppy will even make an appearance;). Im a mom whose heart is broken into a million pieces because this little boy, was mine. I fall asleep easily much of the time, only to wake up like clock work around the time you passed away. "A number I don't recognize called my phone and left me a voicemail. I should know more, soon. I miss you. I talked to Macy about my trip out to San Francisco for Teddys celebration of life. I am not taking your day and turning it into something fucking pretty, happy, light, and filled with angels from above. This makes me mad and sad and I want to scream from the rooftops how unfair this all is because I know you would have grown up to do such amazing things in this world. Am I pushing things a bit? How much your absence is always felt. She needs a break and this trip is just what the doctor ordered. I was wrong. They are a part of my soul now. Fuck. I think in the back of my mind a small part of me thought that I am selfishly doing everything I am doing in this world, for myself. I went with Stacy and Fernanda to shop for your Christmas Tree that we are putting up this weekend at PCH. Not many people can say that about themselves. I hate seeing him on days like today where I am so sad that I can tell it hurts him. Ill fall asleep quickly as I have been doing so easily lately. What do you say to that? Everything I do is for you. A sleepy little town, where it seems as problems do not exist. Whatever this baby is, it will be loved. I missed you tonight, when we were riding in our old jeep to the restaurant. I cant wait for the day that I can see you again. Such a little skeptic he is. We still havent seen too many people as we are still just trying to take our time and get used to this new little life. A cold, beachy destination seems to be much more fitting. My shot hurt for you. Ive got to go now, Ro. Please!!!!!!! I am going to need some time with her. Last night, when I woke up in that hotel room, only to find your daddy and brothers, and you were nowhere to be found.. well, what can I say? Everything hurts. I had all I could take. Certainly not this nowhere of crying myself to sleep because I am so sad I got to do none of those things with you today. There was complete devastation. My own mother whom I love to the moon and back. I hurt badly from this and I only get to feel this on a small scale compared to you. My time sucked but today, I had nothing to prove at all. Plain and simple. I hope you are safe. I left there feeling like I am somewhat in control of this even though I know I am not. I dont remember the last time Ive written to you and I dont like that. The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. Thank you to all of you who are running for Ronan and who have raised so much money for us. He is doing such a good job, of watching over me for you. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. Ron Starr. I told them it was o.k. I heard her say it was a boy, before she said anything at all. I had Quinn call your Nana. . I wish it didnt have to be this way, but this is the decision I have made. I will always look for you though. I thought I was fine tonight after I left and I dont know what happened. Its hard to have the all ripped away and still look on the bright side of things. I told your Mr. Sparkly Eyes how I thought that you and your sister had planned that I went into labor on the 8th, so that when the 9th came around, I wouldnt be so sad because I would be holding your baby sistersafe and soundin my arms. I still think this baby is going to die, so therefore I am trying not to get too attached to it yet. Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. I opened the card and it was from some girls that live in our neighborhood. Ill never forget all the pokies, we had to give you after your rounds of chemo. Ireland Ronan. It was no use. I wonder how comethe wholewide world doesnt feel this way, too. The thought of the ER and the reality that would come with it, kept me at home, chugging Gatorade. We are almost totally off caffeine) It is the most beautiful building and it even has a basketball court which your brothers are so excited for! How you would scream and cry and try to be brave, but you hated it so much. Especially when I have to be at home, in this fucking quiet house, without you. I miss you. I had a good day. So sweet. How are you always right? I have never believed in something more in my life, then you. It took me a minute to explain all of this to them, but by the end they were both a little teary eyed and said they agreed with me and understood why. I honestly still cannot believe you are gone and that I dont get to chase you around anymore. Yup. We Have a NewHome! Ro baby. Are you sure? The technician told me she was about 90% sure. Flanders is the name of the whole western part of Belgium. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. A Target trip that seemed so overwhelming to me that I had to sit in the parking lot and sob for a good 20 minutes before I could even get into the store to buy the one item I needed. The girls asked if I still had your Captain Rex costume. Are you laying with your child, as he takes his last breaths? Laughing as you would pick all the flowers around our neighborhood from other peoples yards, thinking you were so naughty for doing so. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. You two are going to be something else. I laughed and talked about you a little bit. I almost made your daddy take me to the ER as I thought I was massively dehydrated. Really hard in the way that I felt not long after losing you. Its not my choice, its yours. Im angry, sad, and feel really let down. He told me he thought I was being a little harsh. We have been dealing with some *cough cough* technical difficulties. To feel everything I know I am going to be feeling. All dressed up. Why are you not at your F U Cancer Starbucks office today?, me: Im sick. Dr. Jo. I asked Stacy and Fernanda about it. Its been much too long. Dr. Sholler gets in Friday night to me my surrogate runner and I am so excited to see her and have her here. Its not funny. Certainly not this nowhere that is here now. So I shoved the phone away and rocked myself as I sob and cry and cry. I miss my mom and your Papa Jim so very much. Either way, I dont see myself leaving it anytime soon. I promise to make you proud. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Author rockstarronan Categories Uncategorized Tags Coldplay, Fix you, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Rockstar Ronan. I knew that planning this trip. I know how stubborn you are and I know how you wont let ANYONE take care of you., me: I hate that you know me so well. Dr. He called me a control freak and told me to settle down and to start listening to my body instead of fighting everything. I am trying my best. I got home. I sat and cried into the phone while he just listened. He said he knew. Missing you. He always knows best. She sat with me for a good half an hour to discuss how I am doing, how I am feeling, how I am dealing with all of this, and how much I miss you. I cant wait to see you at the finish line! I know you are doing these things for the RIGHT reasons and nothing more than that. She told me about the study that just came out linking pregnant women and the flu, to autism. Who Is 'Ronan'? The Truth About The Boy Who Inspired Taylor - TheThings 34 and being pregnant can suck it. It seems to completely throw them all off. I sent my Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text and told him how I could not get out of bed. I went to see your Sparkly for a bit. Poppy is developing such a little personality and at 7 months, is already trying to walk. "My darling. It doesnt seem possible. On to the next. Reliving the things you went through, has not been fun and its not what I want this book to be about, so Ive been trying to make this section, as short as possible. My nights have been spent writing and working on this book. You are right. Where are you? He responded with In a meeting. I miss you. There was one person I had not told yet. As far as an update goes, things here for the most part have been normal. Mr. Sparkly Eyes - Page 2 - ROCKSTAR RONAN I dont blame them. The ultra sound tech could not get over her long, long legs. Dear lovely little blog readers. 0 faves. I left her office, feeling tired and sad. I miss you. She told me had you had this at birth, it would have been so microscopic that nothing would have shown up. I am just proud that I actually started it and I am making progress. This is why it is so important to me, the people we surround ourselves with and the life we choose to live. Sometimes not. I forgot to tell you all that I got a phone call from some lovely peeps that run a T.V. I died when you died. I swear I stare at it all day long. I had a super important phone call this week. It felt like home. I did my best to soak up everything that was being said. It was an emotional day but so rewarding as well. I honestly do. 4 boys but there should have been 6.
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